Today Links.net is pleased to award the first-ever "Links.net Most Eligible Bachelor Award" to the owner and proprietor of Links.net, Mister Justin Hall.
Hall explains that divorce was difficult for him but the paperwork finished just last week and now he's totally emotionally available "at least for the first thirty seconds of a first date." For 2011 Hall has updated his bachelor skills, enlisting in private tutoring for clitoral massage. We contacted his Orgasmic Meditation coach, Sasha Hood for comment: "Justin was a bright and eager student. He was plugged in and ready to learn from the moment we began. He is the most naturally talented stroker I have ever had the pleasure of working with."
In spite of a history of sexual experimentation and psychedelic drug use, Hall is pleased to report there are no visible signs of genital disease. Hall judges himself potent, and ready to start a family: "I want to be a father, maybe a stay-at-home dad with a lady who has a job."
A notorious raconteur and persistent personal poet, Hall promises that new girlfriends or liaisons won't be written about in public on the Internet, "at least not using their last name." As a touching chronicler of human connection, Hall has written poems like the recent, touching "let's get down":
Hey lady
Wrap your thin fingers please around this leaden heart
Hold tight I will bring you down
Even by physical standards, Hall is an impressive catch: according to dental records, Hall has all of his teeth except for tooth #19 replaced with a crown due to extensive grinding. Now Hall sleeps with a svelte plastic plate between his teeth: if things get serious overnight Hall has been known to cast his "mouth guard" aside, so amorous ladies won't be missing his kissing.
Our reporter visited Hall in his remarkably uncluttered apartment. On display was an impressive stuffed boar's head, on loan from filmmaker Ryan Junell. It's a challenge to decide which would be more fetching to female visitors: Junell's taxidermy, or Hall's collection of violent Xbox video games. Fortunately this is definitely the cleanest place that Hall has ever lived.
To elevate his physique, Hall has taken up exercise: "mostly eating a pot lozenge and wandering through San Francisco on the weekends". A "pretty big fan of sobriety" Hall says he doesn't usually drink or consume cannabis more than 3 or 4 evenings a week. Hall shouldn't get high after 7pm as it keeps him awake, perhaps because he's approaching forty or because Hall is somewhat hyperactive to begin with.
Clearly a man you can count on: Hall has had the same job for 16 months with no formal disciplinary action being taken by his employer. He has cultivated a holistic approach to work: working at the office, working at home, and answering work emails between 2-5am when he can't sleep due to anxiety dreams or indigestion.
Hall has recently returned to the hair salon after a fifteen-year hiatus. Working exclusively with digerati stylist Judy Rheingold at Partners for Hair in Laurel Village, San Francisco, Hall has actually had his hair cut twice in the last two months. "I wanted to look good for my brother's wedding," Hall says modestly. He is leaving behind a history of dreadlocks, mullets, ponytails and shaving bald to look more attractive: eyeing a comb in a distant bathroom, Hall reflects, "it's a newd irection for me."
Hall occasionally enjoys a quiet night in the kitchen. He has been known to serve warm palatable meals to dates, but cooking alone is where Hall has been learning: "my fondness for leftovers and experiments with unrefrigerated perishables has taught me a lot about basic food safety."
Today Hall adeptly balances the personal and the professional, taking breaks from work to sit in a bathroom stall and text-message relative strangers to see if they want to cuddle. Listed on okcupid as "justinreach" Hall can often be seen online messaging new potential life partners whilst tipsy at 2am.
Hall is bullish on his future prospects: "there's a lot of woman out there in the world, and when I am not feeling grumpy or shy I introduce myself to them!" With his combination of near-daily hygiene, semi-literate conversation and inappropriate intensity, Hall is definitely the most eligible bachelor we've profiled on Links.net in 2011.
(big thanks to Tim Shundo for the pictures!)
